Tuesday, April 10, 2007

What's so wrong with dating for a few years and getting to know somebody?

I used to think I had a really normal family, you know? I guess everyone grows up thinking their family is normal, but I truly believed for a long time, my family was 'normal'. However, somewhere in the last three years all my assumptions have been tossed aside.

My parents got divorced about a year ago (the final divorce didn't happen until mid summer, but my Mom had moved out, and was trying to find true love). Well in the last year a lot has changed.

Dad went from really fake happy right after the divorce to horribly depressed (which is totally understandable). After that, he got his depression under control he found somebody that he really liked. They started dating, and less than two months later my Dad announced his engagement. All my siblings were flabbergasted that something so huge could happen so quickly, less than six months after the divorce was final. Ch (my youngest brother) said "are you and Mom even divorced yet?" Which was really funny when you think about it.

Well my Dad and his finance have yet to set a date, I guess they are happy to be engaged, or they are planning something I'm not aware of. I worry though, I worry about my Dad's health. Last summer when he was severely depressed he stopped eating, and taking care of himself. He stopped taking care of things he loved, and he thought all was hopeless. Now he's happy, really happy, but I worry (quite a bit) that if things don't work out between him and his finance he will be worse than before, way worse.

My Mom is a different story, she got divorced because she felt my Dad was never her "one true love" (I can't imagine how it felt to my Dad to be married to someone for almost 30 years, and to hear that, it must have been heartbreaking). So, my Mom split because she was in search of her soul mate. After a lot of online dating, and meeting a ton of really really weird guys, and a couple guys she actually liked, she met someone that she really liked. This man was smart and funny, but didn't really like her in return. They were great friends, and did everything together, except anything romantic. They were just friends. Well my Mom fell in love. The feeling was not mutual, which I'm sure hurt horribly after looking for love so long.

So my Mom broke up with this man that couldn't love her (very good idea on her part, I must say) and found someone new, someone she says "swept her off her feet." This new man came in less than a week after she broke up with the other man. Now any high school student knows, that is would usually be called a 'rebound relationship' because you are rebounding from the other love that you've lost. Well my Mom either found the catch of a lifetime, or she is really rebounding.

This new guy is great, he really is. He treats my Mom with kindness and love, and shows great respect and interest in my brother's and sister's lives. He is well educated, nice and funny.

Well my Mom feels he is 'the one' that she's been searching for. And her thinking is "why wait if I've found the one?" So she's not waiting. She and this man have know each other for less than a month and are now planning their wedding and their life together. Scary? yes. Stupid? yes. Lustful? absolutely. If a 20 year old was getting married to someone she'd only known for a month everyone would think she's immature and crazy. But when a 50 year old does it? I don't know, I am just surprised that someone can make such a decision when they've had so much life experience to tell them otherwise.

I hope both the people my Dad and Mom have met are 'the one'. I hope they live a happy long life together, and never feel like they need to search for love again. However, with so little time to actually heal from the mess of a divorce, and find themselves, and be happy with themselves, I think rushing into another marriage is dumb.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, my. What a lot for you to deal with! I think discovering that your family isn't as "normal" as you thought they were is a turning point in everyone's life... We all go through it... even the so-called normal people!

    It's good to know that your parents have both moved on to new relationships that make them happy. I understand your concern for them as well... very understandable and normal for you to be grappling with.

    If you have the kind of relationship with your family that you can be open and honest... discuss pre-nups with both of them. Tell them you want them to be protected from any change of heart their new-found soul mates might have... You don't want to have them end up broken-hearted AND broke... Just a thought...

    Best of Luck,


    P.S. Be extra kind and gentle with yourself... seeing your family change this dramatically is a lot to go through... an emotional upheaval to say the least! Be mindful that things will probably be a little messy for awhile!


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