Letter to Juliet, year four

Juliet,
You are four. Yesterday, for the last time I said "goodbye threes, you were hellish!" Ha! Not that you were hellish, but being three makes you very opinionated and a touch unreasonable. But four is magic, and we are so excited about four.

Happiest birthday my sweet darling. I love you so much that sometimes I can't comprehend the feeling.

You're birthday is a little bit of a sad day for me, did you know that? Not because I'm sad that you're with us, quite the opposite! I am reminded, on your birthday, again, how very precious you are to me. And we almost lost you, twice, when you were not even two years old. You'll not remember being rushed to the hospital in New York, or again after slipping through a bridge at Sugarhouse Park, but for me, I'll never ever forget.

So on your birthday I look at you. I look and look. I try to memorize your freckles, see if I can truly remember your voice, and lovingly get you dressed. And I think to myself "thank God you are still here; I am oh so very thankful."

I love you my sweet bunny. You don't like us calling you bunny anymore. You say "I'm not a bunny! I'm a human!" You are a human, the best little human I know, and someone I am so proud to call you mine.

xo
Mama

I love this outfit, so wanted to give details:
Dress and boots: Next Direct
Sweater and tights: Gymboree
(Next and Gymboree are where I get almost all my kid's clothes. Winter shoes always from Next. They are fantastic.)

James, year six

James,

Today you turn six. SIX. At six I can no longer pretend you are a baby. I can no longer pretend you are a toddler, or even a little kid. Being six (and one of the tallest, smartest and biggest kids in your kindergarten class) means you've officially graduated from anything that could be considered small. And the very last of your babyness (your sweet little perfect baby teeth) are loosening and bigger stronger (less straight) teeth are moving in.

James, my dear, I love you so. I try to express it with words and I come to a loss. You still want to hold my hand walking into school, you still smile when you see me, you still want your back scratched every night, and to be tucked in just right before bed. But many things, most things, you are doing yourself.

With each new victory you need me less and less, and it's a bittersweet feeling. Of course I want you to grow and change and become an adult that doesn't need me every single day of their life, but that's going to hurt too. Recently you told me that when you're big you were not moving away, because you'd miss me too much. Because you love me too much. As you were telling me this you started to cry, that the very thought of not seeing me when you wake, kissing you before bed, helping lay out your clothes for the day, was too much to bear.

The thing with that feeling is you'll grow out of it. Before long you'll want your independence. You'll be on your own before I even blink. But that feeling, the feeling of wanting to care for my son will never leave me. You'll need me less and less yet I'll never need you any less than I do now.

I love you my sweet boy. More than you'll ever know. Happiest sixth birthday. I adore you.

Mama (which you still call me, thank goodness!)

It's a rare day I get a photo with these two. Thanks love!

Juliet is THREE

Juliet,

Today you are three. What an incredible three years it's been. How in the world do I put into words the love that I have for you? There really is no way to describe the joy and silliness that you bring to every moment, and there is absolutely no way to describe the love we, your family, has for you.

James often times says you are his best friend. And you are. You two do everything together from making forts, making messes and making me crazy. Your love for each other is deep and pure, and you both speak of it often. You ask for James first thing in the morning and play with him with your last bits of energy before bed. For the most part you get along better than most siblings I know. What a special lifelong bond you've built.

Your Daddy, oh your Daddy adores you. You have him wrapped around your little finger, you know. Little girls hold a very special place in their daddy's heart, but I feel like you've won the jackpot with the Daddy of yours. He does and will do anything for you. And those tight hugs around his neck? The ones where you just won't let go? He is in heaven when you give him those big hugs.

And me. Your mommy. We are together all day, every moment, and I still smile when I see you. Crack up at your poses, and laugh that you use the word "otherwise" in your daily conversations. There is not a thing I wouldn't do for you. You are happy, and you have an entire life of happiness ahead of you.

There is nothing really to show you who you are at three, so instead I took a video of you today. As you can see, you are wild. And happy. And silly. And smart. And sweet. You are prefect.

Juliet, my beautiful girl. You are loved. We couldn't be happier that you are ours and us yours.

xoxo sweet girl, and happiest of birthdays,

Your Mommy

*I sign James's letters "Mama" because even at five he still calls me Mama the majority of the time. You, however, haven't ever called me "Mama". You've always been a "Mommy" girl, and it is just so perfect.

And a little look back into the past:

More birthday posts to come!

James is FIVE! {Wolfy and a Letter}

Wolfy has been a wonderful reminder at how fast kids grow. When James was new, he and Wolfy were the same size. Time has gone by in one happy flash.

James,
Today you are FIVE! Happy birthday kiddo!

Five is officially kid status. You are not a toddler, or even a little kid; you're just a kid. And you are awesome. You have done so much growing up over the last year. Your Daddy and I comment on it often, how mature you've become, how smart and funny you are.

The other night I re-read all the blog posts from five years ago. I remember those last few days of my pregnancy so well, yet being without you seems like something I've never experienced. I almost don't remember life before you.

Life as your Mommy has been everything I hoped for and more. I love you with every fiber of my being, and at five, you still think I'm pretty much the best ever.

I still can sing you songs, give you hugs, wipe your tears after you fall, and kiss your owies away. These things I will not always be able to do, because in one blink you'll be a teen, and then a man.

So while you are more mature about many things, I am happy you still need me to do those things. I will always kiss you and hug you and scratch your back at bedtime, as long as you'll let me.

I love you forever. Forever and ever. I am your Mommy, and that's a Mommy job.

-xo

Letter to Juliet, year two

Juliet,

Yesterday I looked at you, not just a passing glance, but I really really looked. I studied. I remembered. I, for the last time, was looking at my baby girl that was one year old.

And today you woke up and you are two.

Yesterday, as I watched you, soaked up your glorious way of being, I kept thinking "this is it; this is what I've dreamt of my entire life. She's standing here, in front of me. She's silly and smart and oh so funny."

My sweet dear, never could I describe how much you mean to me. How much you I love you. Even you won't know the love I hold for you until you have a child of your own. It is earth moving. It is amazing and strong and growing day by day.

There are many things special about you. More than I could ever write in a single letter, so instead of trying to list them all, I will list five things. Five things that make you special and make me love you all the more.

1. Your wonderful growing language. Hearing what you are thinking about and how you interpret the world is what makes two year olds amazing. Hearing what you are thinking about makes my heart swell with pride and ache with hurt. Hurt, you see, because you talk about the time you fell off the bridge. You talk about it daily, sometimes just once, sometimes you need to repeat the story and hear the outcome ("fine") dozens of times before you are satisfied. The heartbreak I feel that you still hold this scary accident so close saddens me, but also letting you talk about it helps both of us so much.

2. Your love for your brother blows me away. The first thing you ask for every day upon waking is "James". You look for him wherever you go, and while you adore tormenting him (and him you) you two are two peas in a pod. I hope you kiss each other on the lips before bed every night, like you do now, for years to come. Neither of you can sleep if you forgot your goodnight kiss.

3. Your schievousness. Schivious will be a world you hear your entire life. It is made up by yours truly, but truly describes the scheming and mischievous nature we both have. Both you and I love to tickle, to chase, to startle Daddy whenever possible. While James may sometimes act mischievous, you and I are both schievous.

4. How you love to get naked before bath time and yell "surprise!" with the biggest smile on your face.

5. Your nurturing nature. James is all boy, so I've only ever know crashing tower games, growling games, and the like. You take such good care of your babies. You rock them to sleep, pat their backs and kiss them again and again. You are going to make an amazing mama one day.

Juliet my dear, I love you more than I have words to ever say. Just thinking about my tender love for you makes me tear up. I hope you always know you are my sunshine. And as I sing to you every night before you go to bed, "you'll never know dear how much I love you,

"please don't take my sunshine away."

Love,

Mama

Happy birthday James! {letter}

James,

Today you are four. And today you are not yourself. You are not spunky and feisty and full of energy (and backtalk). No, today you are sick. You see, you woke up in the middle of the night barfing. NOT FUN. Spending your fourth birthday with the stomach flu is not what either of us imagined.

But it's ok.

Being sick on your birthday is a major bummer, but you'll be back to your old self soon enough.

Your old self? Is AWESOME. You are one amazing kid. You are kind and gentle and school, saving your biggest smiles for your teachers.

You are feisty and determined at home. You know what you want and will not give up without a fight. Much like your Mama, kiddo. You give huge hugs, tell me you love me often and are more independent by the day second.

You are an amazing brother. Amazing. You teach Juliet so many things, you always include her in your play, and whenever she is upset or sad you run to find her lovie so she can begin feeling all better.

At four you are fascinated with water. Waterfalls, grates, pipes, anything and everything to do with even the tiniest drip of water makes you so happy.

And seeing you happy? Nothing in the world is better.

Over four years you've gone from a baby, to a toddler to a preschooler. You are so dang smart, fast, determined, excited and everything else. You are spectacular. You are my son.

Happy fourth birthday kiddo. I love you more than you will ever know.

Love,
Mama

(Wolfy photos to come, once his sweet smile returns.)

Today he is three and a half

Today was prefect according to any three and a half year old. Daddy stayed home from work and the day started with watching Cars and playing iPad. We went to one of our favorite parks prepared to play only to discover the splash pad was turned on. It was far too chilly, but the look of hope and happiness on his face convinced me to say yes. He was freezing ten minutes later but oh so happy.

He took a long nap next to his Daddy (their new favorite weekend tradition) and this afternoon we took a little portable BBQ to another favorite park and had dinner lakeside. We finished off the evening with a trip to get ice cream, because you don't turn three and a half everyday.

This boy is pretty damn sweet. Yes, we have our rough moments. Our rough days, our rough weeks, but he's sweet an amazing and wonderful. The other day at the park Aunt Melissa brought three candies for each kid, but not for Juliet, because they were big hard candies. James noticed Juliet didn't have any and spent the next ten minutes biting off tiny pieces of one of his treasured three candies and feeding it to his sister.

He has been nicer to the kitties (a struggle we always have come winter because when three year olds are bored, chasing the kitties is quite fun), amazing with his sister, and pretty awesome with his friends as well. Some days are harder for him than others, but overall he gets a sticker on his "Don't be aggressive sticker chart" almost every night.

He's a big kid, wearing size 8 or 9 shoes, 3T pants, and 4T shirts (this yellow one is 5T!). He knows all his letters and numbers, loves to count everything in sight and eats pretty well. His favorite foods still include fruit fruit fruit and quesadillas.

I watched a youtube video not long ago (so wish I had bookmarked it!) that talked about the mundane and repetitive behavior of motherhood. Each day I help him get dressed, I take him for walks, I cut up his lunch just so, I put him down for a nap. Every single day, 365 a year. But one day, in what will feel like a blink, he won't need me to tuck him in, to buckle his shoes, to zip up his jacket.

One day too soon I won't even remember how he liked his quesadilla cooked (22 seconds in the microwave) and how in liked it cut into little squares. I try to remember this when he's driving my up the wall or has had to be asked one too many times to please follow me to the car, it's time to leave the park.

{Now I'm sobbing.}

I love this boy more than I ever ever ever thought I could love.

Now, before I turn into a real crying mess, I'm going to post a HUGE list of funny things James has said over the last six months. I try to always make a note on my phone when he makes me laugh, but I've been horrible about transferring his silly conversations to the blog. Please don't feel like you need to read this entire list, it is mostly here just to document it for future use (like when I'm 65, and lonely and missing my three year old child more than life itself, because by then he'll be 35 and won't need me to pull up his pants after he pees. Wahhh!)

• I saw a wolf on our walk! I was worried about it! (After seeing wolves at the zoo, and then seeing a husky at the park)
• I want to go all around luke! (loop) 
• It looks gorgeous outside (in Boston accent) 
• After a big wet burb "that was delicious" 
• "Step on it people!" While we were in the car. 
• I went to the park. I had my best behavior.
• You're a good daddy dada! 
• I'm working with the fire. I'm really careful with it over here. I'm making a big hot dog over here! 
•  Those were delicious trick or treats! 
• It's mom-ME sweet girl! Not mom! (After teasing him that he needs to call me Mommy forever, never Mom, so he was correcting Juliet who can't really say anything but "Mama")
• Your the best mommy! I need a hug! 
• I'm making a new video on Facebook. 
• I'm a good boy I bet! 
• Wow! Look at that TOTALY beautiful view! 
• I know all the people I love, like mommy and daddy. 
• Owen is my sister! He's my favorite! (A friend, obviously not his sister).
• I'm so happy your home daddy! I miss you when you're at work. It's the weekend! You didn't give me a kiss yet! On the lips. And a hug! A big hug! 
• My bladder is humongous. 
• How about a jump hug? 
• This is a big hill! My cars getting a workout (when we drove up a big hill).
• When I was wearing a hat he told me "you look like a lady" 
• Wolfy is waiting for me and he says "where's my James?" 
• There's a baby growing in Grandpa Chuck's tummy! 
• I'm starving for Zion Canyon! 
• After wetting the bed he told E "It will dry, just like my tears" 
• Look at my face. It's not crying (he actually tells me this a lot).
• James: That's true like a hammer! Me: Where'd you learn that? James: I got it at Costco! You remember! 
• I want a lawn mower from the Easter bunny! He's my snuggly friend! 
• I love you in the whole world.
• Don't put her to sleep. I love her! (when taking Juliet out of the tub).
• E asking him "Want to be a park ranger?" James: "Maybe I can be a deer!" 
• My belly button says I'd like a chocolate almond please! 
• That's perfect. Perfect like you mama. 
• I saw it with my sweet little shining eyes.
• Every night he snuggles all sorts of stuffed animals, but the most important are his twin lovies, that he named himself "Jack and Lacen"

Letter to Juliet: ONE

Sweet Juliet,

How do I even start a letter to you that is supposed to encompass my feelings? How is it possible that the written word would ever tell a story of true happiness and love? There is no possible way to tell you how much I love you.

My soul is changed because of you.

Each day, I care for you the best I know how. I make sure you are fed, and clean, and warm. But those are not the things that mean the most, not the things I'll remember. Instead I'll remember the things that make my heart ache with love.

I snuggle you. Each day we still nap together and it is the most wonderful part of my day. I rock you to sleep each and every night, not because you need it, but because I need it. I try my hardest to make you laugh, and sometimes you will, but we all know you save your best, biggest laughs for Daddy.

One year ago today I had yet to meet you. Right now it is eight pm, and last year at this time I had yet to even leave for the hospital. No, instead I was showering, knowing you were on your way.

Little did I know I'd meet you in only a few short hours.

Today was wonderful with you. Tomorrow will be even better (Daddy's home after all!) and on Sunday we will celebrate, with many of the people that love you, a year of your wonderful life.

Happy first birthday snuggle bunny. I adore you.

Your Mama

Letter to Juliet {6 months}

Juliet,

You are amazing and beautiful. Spectacular even.

Each and every day I hold you, I cuddle you, I nurse you, I kiss you and during all that time, every single moment, I think there is no possible way I could love you more. Of course this is silly, because each and every day you prove me wrong. I can love you more than the day before.

You are the most amazing baby girl. Your eyes light up when you see someone you love. You laugh and laugh when James makes silly sounds or faces and you simply can't get enough time with your Daddy, you two love each other so.

However this letter is from me to you. From a mother to a daughter. My daughter. Right now I take care of you. I make sure each of needs are met whether it is a clean diaper, a full tummy, or a nap next to me.

But that is not how it will always be, my sweet girl, because daughters take care of their Mommies too. You will grow to become my best friend. It is amazing and crazy to think that one day you'll be smarter, stronger, and likely taller than me. You will one day become compassionate and caring, patient and kind. And maybe even one day you'll understand the love I have for you when you have a baby of your own.

I love you my sweet girl. You are the daughter I've always wanted.

Love,

Mama

*Patsy Ann photos, and a full 6 month update to come!

Letter to James: Two and a Half

James,

For the first time since starting these letters I feel like I could read you this one, and you'd understand. You understand so much. You understand love and pain and hurt and happiness. When you feel sad or scared you always, always ask for one of two things. One, you ask for your crib. Your crib is your safe zone. Where you retreat and regroup and relax. You feel so safe there, and that makes me happy. I always want you to find comfort in your bed. And two, you ask for me. If you fall and hurt yourself you always try to find me quickly with your eyes. If you get worried or scared you always reach for me. That, my sweet boy, makes me very happy. I love that you find comfort in my arms.

That said, you are a Daddy's boy through and through. You are his "mini-me". You both love the same things (flashlights, cars, music, the outdoors) and you both get excited about the same things (oh my gosh! A plane flying overhead!). You and your Daddy adore each other. Daddy never ever thought he could love you as much as he does. I know this because late at night, after you've been in bed for hours, he'll tell me. I agree, of course. Never did we think we could love somebody as much.

We always comment on how big you're getting, how smart you are, how much you are talking. But, as big and smart and talkative as you are, I want to remember these last fleeting moments of your babyhood. You want to be carried when your tired. You want to snuggle with your binky and your lovey in your crib. You want to be hugged and tickled (something you won't want all too soon). I look at you, and although your hands and feet and face are much bigger than the day you were born, I want to remember you're still small. You're still a little boy looking for guidance, reassurance and love in this big big world.

And those things, my dear, are what a Mama's for.

I love you. More than you will ever know.

Happy half birthday.

Mommy

Photos are from our ice cream date the other night. 

Letter to Juliet: three months

Juliet,

My dear sweet girl.

How can a simple letter tell you what you mean to me? Words on a screen, or printed on paper, even in my own handwriting can never tell you what my heart feels.

I adore you little girl.

Life with you is so happy. So full of smiles.

I dreamt the other night you were kidnapped and the feeling of total and complete loss still haunts me. I don't mean for this letter to be sad in any way, but I need to tell you that you were meant for me. We were meant for each other.

One day when you are older we will play dolls, build fairy houses and hunt in the woods for gnomes. We will hike with James and laugh together. We will camp and explore and even go abroad. But now, my sweet tender baby girl, we snuggle. We sleep. We nurse. You are hardly ever more than three feet from me, and it is wonderful. You are my little shadow.

Just as your little shirt says (I knew I had to get it when I saw it!), you are a snuggle bunny. You simply can't get enough of the closeness, the warmth, the comfort. And I have to say, I can't get enough either. One day you'll be too big to want to snuggle your Mama. But now you are little, and small and only want me, and I'm soaking it in baby girl.

I love you more than you will ever know,

Your Mama

 Happy three months.

PS - You reached a huge milestone yesterday (on your three month "birthday), you started to laugh!!! Oh my word! Dada got you giggling and you couldn't stop. We both looked at you with complete and total awe, and started laughing ourselves. Such a treat!

PPS - For more of my letters to James and Juliet, click on the letters tag under the title of this post. :)

Letter to Juliet: one month

Juliet, my sweet little girl. One month ago, at this time, I was still pregnant. My heavy hard belly contracting every ten or so minutes, reminding me again and again that you would soon join our family.

That night was a whirlwind. At 6:00 pm I sat with your daddy and James having a hamburger for dinner and only hours later you were placed on my chest for the first time. Oh my, I will never ever forget that night. You were finally here, my daughter. And I was so so in love with you.

I told you right then that I love you. I told you happy birthday. And then we looked at each other, for a long time. You, with your wide little eyes, me with tears clouding my vision.

Over the last month my love for you has grown ten-fold. You are an amazing little girl already. You are a snuggle bunny. You love your brother and boy oh boy does he adore you.

I can't wait to see you grow. I can't wait to show you the world. I can hardly wait to one day play dolls with you and make fairy houses. But I don't want to rush away the right now. You are tiny, and perfect, and wonderful, and you'll only be a newborn for a fleeting moment. And oh I just love it.

I love you my sweet Juliet. Forever and ever.

- Mama

My sweet boy, today you are two

Dear James,

Nothing in this world compares to you. You are sweet, kind, gentle, playful, smart and wonderful. As a Mama I am supposed to say all those things about you, but it is true. You are an adventure seeker like your Mom, and a touch shy and reserved like your Dad.

You are smart and silly and beyond perfect.

Two years ago, at this very moment I was pushing. About to meet the most wonderful soul in the universe. Glancing at the clock now (it is 12:23 pm and you were born at 12:56 pm) I can hardly believe that two years ago, at this moment, I did not yet know you. You are life-shifting, little boy. You make me laugh harder than I ever thought possible, make me cry with tears of joy when I see you accomplish new things, and make my heart grown ten-fold every single day.

Every night, before bedtime we read stories in your room. You sit, perched on my lap, with only your diaper on. I read to you, all the books of your choosing, all the while rubbing your shoulders and back and tummy. The entire time I'm thinking "I adore this little person, never did I know how much my heart can hold."

You are loved. Never forget that. Dada and I talk about you after you go to bed. Remembering the sweet perfect way you say "love you" or the silly giggle and dance move you showed off earlier in the day.

You are two today. You are amazing. The day everyone thinks about what they are thankful for (because after all, today is Thanksgiving!), my sweet dear boy, I am thankful for you.

I adore you.

Your Mama

Letter to James: 18 months of heart expanding love

Dear James,

It has been one and a half years since you were placed into my arms for the first time. You were crying, as all newborns do, but as soon as they laid you on my chest, as soon as our eyes met, you stopped. You just looked up at me, me down at you.

Right then, with tears clouding my vision I told you I loved you for the first time in your life.

That, my dear boy, is one of my most favorite memories.

Yet every day new favorites are being formed. Just tonight, as you played in the new fountain in our backyard and you unintentionally squirted yourself, you looked at me. Maybe for reassurance, maybe for a smile, I'm not sure.

Then a huge grin spread over your face. I started laughing, hard. There you were, in your sweet little outfit, on a not quite warm enough evening, soaked. Then the most beautiful sound in the world filled my ears. Your laughter. There we were, just us, laughing our guts out for three minutes solid. I thought "this is something I never want to forget."

I love you with every cell of my being, sweet boy. Your Dada and I talk about how we never knew, never even imagined how deep, how all-encompassing, how amazing this love is. I never understood the love a mother has for her child until I had you. And it is the most amazing feeling in the world.

Happy one and a half. Next time I write one of these letters? You'll be two, and that, my sweet kiddo, blows my mind.

Love, Mama

Letter to James: 1 year

How can I write in a simple letter how much you mean to me? How every day gets better and better? How can I express how much I adore you when the English language does not cover the feelings a Mama has for her son?

I have spent the last 365 days of my life learning how big my heart is. I never ever knew it could hold this much. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. Right about this time a year ago I was blogging, telling everyone that soon you would make your entrance into the world. The thing I was most excited about? Telling you I loved you for the first time in your life.

Now I must tell you over fifty times a day how much I love you. Five minutes don't pass without me saying "I love you" or "you are the greatest" or "I can't imagine life without you."

Today I celebrate and mourn the end of your babyhood. You are a big boy, a toddler. Yes, I feel sad you'll never be a tiny baby again, but I also look forward for each day to come. Every day you learn something new, you amaze me with your optimistic attitude, and you teach me again and again that my heart can hold more love.

Today we will stay inside, since the snow is gently falling outside. We might verdure out to meet Daddy for lunch, but mostly it will be just the two of us. Just the two of us. You acting silly and impressing me with how big you've become, and me looking at you with awe, thinking that there was no way I could ever explain to the woman I was a year ago what a wonderful and fantastic year it has been. For she would simply not understand, her heart had no idea what was yet to come.

Happy first birthday my love. I know your second year will be as amazing and wonderful as your first. I love you, more than you'll ever know.

Mama

To read the other letters I've written to James, just click on the letter tag under the title of this post.

Letter to James: 9 months

James,

As I tell you almost every day, I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

This morning when you and I were sitting on the bench in the backyard in the sunshine, and you were happily chatting away I thought to myself "I wish I could freeze this moment, right now, and never ever change."

At 9 months you are perfect. I seem to say that a lot, but I honestly feel like the luckiest Mama in the world. You are happy, adorable, a good sleeper, a good eater and so smiley!

In New York you got a lot of attention. On the street people would peer down at you and smile. In response you'd flash them the biggest most charming grin. People everywhere were stopping us, asking us how old you were, telling us what beautiful eyes you have, and just looking at you as you smiled from ear to ear back at them.

You make everyone around you happier. Especially your Daddy and I. We often say to each other that we never imagined we'd be this happy. Never imagined we be this in love. Never imagined how life changing a little boy could be.

You are wonderful. I adore you and always will. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Love,
Mama

Letter to James: six months

James,

Right now you are napping in the other room, and it is like my heart and soul are in your crib napping with you. When I am away from you, even just down the hall, I miss your cheery face, your gummy grin and your wonderfully happy way about you.

These last six months have changed me into the person I'd always wanted to be. As long as I can remember I wanted to be a mommy. Your mommy. I had visions of what I'd do, how I'd act, and what kind of mother I'd be to my future son or daughter. I have to say, you've helped me exceed my own expectations.

No, I'm not a perfect mom. But I do love you more than the world, and I feel that everything I do for you, whether it change your diaper, breastfeed you, play with you on the floor or watch you experience new things, I do it with pure joyous love for you. And, in that way, I hope I serve you well.

I'm so thrilled to be with you every day, I wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes after you've gone to bed at night your Daddy and I talk about you, recalling the cute or silly things you did that day. Often we say "let's go wake him up! I miss him."

You are adored. Never forget that. Happy half year to life. I hope for the rest of your long life you are as happy, cheery and full of wonderful optimism, just like you are now. You are perfect.

Love,

Mama

Letter to James: three months

Dear James,

The day I married your Daddy I thought I could love nothing more. He was caring, loving, handsome, wonderful. Everything I had ever hoped for, and so so much more.

Then the day you were born my heart grew even bigger. Never had I felt this amount of love in one single moment. It was almost as if my heart was breaking from the pure joy of it all. I never thought I could love someone more than I loved you right then.

But I can.

Every day my heart grows bigger with my love for you. Every day I'm dumbfounded and shocked at how much my heart can hold. You are wonderful. You are everything I hoped you would be, and so much more.

I can't describe what you mean to me. You and your father are my world. My everything. I can't imagine being happier, more in love, and then you do it, you make me fall in love even deeper.

Your coos, your smiles, the way you kick your legs, your splashing, your sweet tummy, your full head of hair, and even your cries make me fall deeper in love.

I love the way you snuggle up to me when you eat. I love the way you sigh in my hair when I burp you. I love the way your eyes follow me around the room, never leaving me. I love that even the sight of me can make you smile from ear to ear.

How could one little boy have such power? Because you are my son, and that is the power sons have over their Mamas. They make them love them absolutely and without question. They make their hearts grown bigger and hold more with each passing day.

James, you are perfect. I love you. And I always will.

-Mama

Above are some of the funny faces I captured when James was waking up from his nap. He's such a goof.

Letter to James: one month

Dear James,

Today I have been your Mama for one entire month. 30 days. One month of of tears, of love, of emotional ups and downs, of a few times of me asking myself "what the heck did I get myself into?" and one of the best months of my life. One month that changed my entire existence.

30 days ago they placed you on my chest and I told you for the first time in your life that I loved you. Since then, I've told you and showed you that I loved you in every way that I know how. I've patted your back, I've learned to breast feed you, I'm wiped your bum, and I've bathed you as caringly as I've known how, and I've kissed you more times than I could count.

Every day gets better and better. I will admit, in the beginning, I was so scared. And then the days passed into weeks, and slowly, I started to feel like I was home, I was finally doing what I'd always wanted to do, always dreamt of doing: of being your mom.

You will have no memories of this first month of your life. You won't remember your first bath, or your first trip outside, or the way I rock you in the middle of the night. But I will always remember. I will remember my heart filling with love the first moment I felt your kick, and the day I found out I was pregnant, and the day I first laid eyes on you.

I will remember holding your little body in my arms, in the middle of the night. as we look into each others eyes and as I try to will your eyes to close. I will remember the sweet way you smell after your bath, and the sour milk way you smell a few minutes later, when, inevitably, you spit up on your clean outfit.

I will remember. And I will love you for always. Because I'm your Mama forever. Merry Christmas my love. Happy one month birthday. I can't wait to see you grow, but I will never forget the first month, when you were still my tiny baby.

-Mama

Photo above, taken during your Christmas Eve nap. And below, last night James and I near the Christmas tree. He loves it.