Letter to James: one month

Dear James,

Today I have been your Mama for one entire month. 30 days. One month of of tears, of love, of emotional ups and downs, of a few times of me asking myself "what the heck did I get myself into?" and one of the best months of my life. One month that changed my entire existence.

30 days ago they placed you on my chest and I told you for the first time in your life that I loved you. Since then, I've told you and showed you that I loved you in every way that I know how. I've patted your back, I've learned to breast feed you, I'm wiped your bum, and I've bathed you as caringly as I've known how, and I've kissed you more times than I could count.

Every day gets better and better. I will admit, in the beginning, I was so scared. And then the days passed into weeks, and slowly, I started to feel like I was home, I was finally doing what I'd always wanted to do, always dreamt of doing: of being your mom.

You will have no memories of this first month of your life. You won't remember your first bath, or your first trip outside, or the way I rock you in the middle of the night. But I will always remember. I will remember my heart filling with love the first moment I felt your kick, and the day I found out I was pregnant, and the day I first laid eyes on you.

I will remember holding your little body in my arms, in the middle of the night. as we look into each others eyes and as I try to will your eyes to close. I will remember the sweet way you smell after your bath, and the sour milk way you smell a few minutes later, when, inevitably, you spit up on your clean outfit.

I will remember. And I will love you for always. Because I'm your Mama forever. Merry Christmas my love. Happy one month birthday. I can't wait to see you grow, but I will never forget the first month, when you were still my tiny baby.

-Mama

Photo above, taken during your Christmas Eve nap. And below, last night James and I near the Christmas tree. He loves it.