I hate myself right now. Loathe would be a better word. Why you ask? Because it is four am in the morning, and James and my husband are dead asleep. Me? Wide awake. Have been since midnight. God, midnight! What am I doing? I'm trying to sleep, tossing and turning. I've been up with James once, and he fell back to sleep like charm. Me? Not so lucky.
So after four hours of tossing, turning, taking a breast feeding approved sleeping pill, tossing some more, taking another sleeping pill, here I am awake. And this is not the first night like this... oh no, this is now my standard.
I am exhausted. Totally wiped out. Yet, I can't sleep. Not at all. I have a lot of self hate right now. I've been trying to stay calm, tell myself it is ok, but after hours at night after sleepless night I have to ask my mind "are you trying to kill me?"
I hope these horrible nights will soon be a thing of the past. Because I'm miserable. And I'm not a good mom when I'm tired, overwhelmed and teary because my lack of zzzs.
Here is a sweet video of my little man I took before bed last night, when I was still full of hope and longing that I'd have a good night.
the perfect end to summer
1 month ago
This post makes me very sad :(
ReplyDeleteIt will be ok sweetie, try to not get so mad at yourself, it only makes it worse!
Oh Jessica, I'm so sorry. There is nothing worse than not being able to sleep and being exhausted at the same time. It just doesn't make sense. Sounds like you might have some post-partum depression -- even if you don't feel depressed, the sleeplessness is often depression related. I so feel for you! I hope it gets better soon. I imagine you've already talked to your doctor since you have the safe sleep aid. I went through the same thing (not after pregnancy though) and the pills didn't do a darn thing. Feel so bad for you. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteE and Jean,
ReplyDeleteThank you both so much for your kind words. I agree, it might be post-partum depression. Although I'm thrilled to be a mom, my sleepless nights are horrible. I'm going to talk to mt doc this week. :) Hopefully I have lots of sleep filled nights to come.
J, you are a great mom! Don't be so hard on yourself! You need to mentally tell yourself that you have needs too, and a good night's sleep is one of those needs! Your baby will be fine, but he needs a well rested mommy. I know how hard it is; been there done that. Maybe some meditation? We'll have to brainstorm and see what we can make work for you. But you are not a loathesome creature just because you want to be a great mom!
ReplyDeleteI think lack of sleep is one of the hardest parts of being a mom with a newborn! And being grumpy, overwhelmed, and weepy comes with lack of sleep for me too. But don't worry he will sleep through the night hopefully soon. I hate taking naps, but I made myself take them most days- even if just for a little bit- when Logan was still waking up in the night.
ReplyDeleteJessica
ReplyDeleteI just read your blog. How do you feel now? I hope you got some sleep~~ Don't feel bad you are doing wonderful job. I really admire you how you take care of baby James.I am sad that I cannot not help you for some rest because I am so far away.. Miss you!!
Oh, the things we go through as moms. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I have always felt that not being able to sleep is like torture. This is just horrible. :(
ReplyDeleteWhen you are in bed and tossing and turning, is it your mind that is keeping you up or your body? For example is it that your body can't relax or is it that your mind won't stop racing? And if so, what is it that is going through your mind? Is it about the baby or other things?
Sorry if this is too personal. You don't have to answer if you don't feel like it. I just thought it might help to come up with some suggestions...
I hope things get better for you soon!!!
Thank you everyone for your nice words. After I wrote this post things quickly went from me being tired to horribly exhausted. I called my doc that day and I am on the mend. Hopefully in a few days I'll be feeling in tip top shape again, because being overly tired really really stinks.
ReplyDeleteJessica, I can't sleep because my mind won't shut off. It is horrible!
LOL.... great for the camera. he sure is a cutie! Sending some sleep thoughts your way!!
ReplyDelete