Postpartum Anxiety

I try to keep my blog as honest as possible. The reason I blog is for me, as an online journal that I can always look back on, and always remember. Other than a few material things (camera, house, dolls) my blog is one of my favorite things that I "own". That said, I've usually kept highly personal stuff off of my blog, because I also love to have blog readers and followers.

However, everyone is so caring and wonderful, I've decided to post what I've been going through the last few days. It's been horrible.

So, prepare for a very long, detailed post...

It all started on Wednesday night when I went to bed, but did not fall asleep. For most the night I tossed and turned. I worried about James. I worried that I wasn't getting enough sleep. I stayed up and worried. On Thursday my mom came over to take care of James in hopes that I could take a nap. Instead of sleeping, my mind just kept racing. I rested for awhile, but didn't sleep.

Then on Thursday night it happened again. I was up for the majority of the night. I kept thinking "did I hear the baby?" or "what if I don't hear the baby?" or "I'm going to be too tired tomorrow to care for James unless I fall asleep soon." As you can imagine, sleep didn't come.

Finally around morning I realized what I'd been feeling: anxiety. For some reason, it took me two days to realize this. Once I put my finger on it, there was no stopping it. My heart started pounding, my stomach twisted into a tight knot, and I felt too hot. I was having a panic attack. Then I realized what was at the root of it (yes, it took me nearly three days to figure out what my subconscious was worried about) - E was due to go out of town in less that 24 hours.

I've never been much of a worrier about staying home alone. However, with a new baby things suddenly were so so different. I was terrified of two things: 1. That I would be too tired to care for James during the day, because of my lack of sleep at night, and 2. That if I did finally fall asleep I would not wake up when James cried. So, because of both of these things, I never was falling asleep. And then thinking about E going out of town would send me over the edge, into full blown panic mode.

I've had anxiety issues in the past, and anyone that has ever dealt with this kind of disease knows how scary and horrible it is.

After much thought I asked E to cancel his trip. Never, had I felt, that I needed him more. I called my doc and we discussed something she called postpartum anxiety. No, I was not depressed. In fact, I love being a mom. But the fact that I wasn't sleeping was causing a huge problem.

E and I decided it would be best if I could get a heavy duty sleeping pill and try to have a few good nights rest. This required someone to be in charge of James's nighttime feedings. E, of course, stepped up to the plate. James, my wonderful, perfect little man, took to a bottle and formula like a pro.

So, after three nights of 10+ hours of rest, and some anti-anxiety pills in my system, I feel much much better. The panic attacks are gone. I feel rested and healthy. I can't thank E enough for being my total rock and support.

Onto better days!