This year has been tremendous in my growth. Sure, the kids have grown leaps and bounds. James starting preschool, Juliet starting to walk, talk, feed herself and get opinions about everything.
But this year has been huge for me too because it's been hard for Juliet, and therefore a little bit heartbreaking for me.
Juliet is what I am most thankful for today. Of course (of course) I am also most thankful for James and E too, but oh Juliet, you've really shown me what it would be like without you.
The year started with you getting very very sick. You were not hospitalized, but close to it. Your doctor said if you got any sicker, you would need to go to the ER. It scared me oh so much, but i knew you'd be okay. You were big, and feisty, and a fighter.
And then in the middle of summer, in the middle of our family vacation, you got into GG's medicine. Not knowing if you had taken any we called poison control as asked what to do. They said take you to the ER. This particular medicine could cause major problems with your heart.
I was terrified. So so scared. But also bummed this had happened in the middle of our vacation, because my gut told me you were ok. That you hadn't taken any of the pills. Twenty four hours in the hospital confirmed that, you were fine. Oh oh oh I was thankful.
And then, and then, you fell of the bridge at Sugarhouse Park. Oh what a year we've had.
For the first time since becoming a parent my worst nightmare was realized. I saw one of my children in mortal danger and I couldn't do anything. I ran. I fell. I thought I would find my baby dead.
This still haunts me. I think about it daily. I wake up at night, every night, with flashbacks of seeing you fall. With thoughts of "what ifs". What if the outcome had been different? What if today, Thanksgiving, I was not celebrating with my both my children?
This thought haunts me.
But I'm doing ok. Instead of being overcome with fear, I quickly pick up you, my girl, and kiss you. Hug you. Read a story to you. Laugh at all your silly antics. And when you're tantruming I smile, because there is no place I'd rather be than next to you.
Here I am, mothering my beautiful daughter, the daughter I've wanted forever. She's here, she's amazing, she's feisty, she's mine. And she's healthy.
I am so so so thankful.
*Above, Juliet is blurry, happy and crazy (look at that hair!). Just like she should be.
**James's four year interview and Wolfy photos to come. After James got the stomach flu it hit us all. We've all been barfing. Yuuuuck...